god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
