I don't usually arrange sex via text message
hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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