he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize