either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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