Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
My day in three words: secret purse cake
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
