I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Randomize
