he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
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