she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
