I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
