I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
