Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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