Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
