I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize