my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize