38 yer olds are good kisserssss
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
