We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
