3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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