after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
