I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Randomize
