Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
