My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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