Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
