you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
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