So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
