You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
farters have to be the big spoon...
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Randomize
