I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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