Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize