I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
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