By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
