everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Randomize