Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
