My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
