a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
