Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I will be naked everywhere
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Randomize
