but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize
