i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
