Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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