I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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