dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
