I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
