I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Randomize
