It's like a parade of train wrecks.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
