It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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