I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
