I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
