It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Randomize
