god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
50% drunk capacity currently
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
