She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
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