I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
