please come you make the beer taste better
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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