i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
