I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
