I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Randomize
