Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
