shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
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