i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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