Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
