I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
