Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
