When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
