True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Damn victory sex feels great
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
